Rejected @ 45

I was rejected, again. Jeez, again, really? Seriously? At the age of 45? It sucks. It still sucks, and it is difficult to not think that it’s me who screwed it up. 

On paper, I cannot see how anyone would reject me- Good education. Pretty logical and uncomplicated career path. Good companies and titles. Not a terribly annoying person …

Yet, I was still being rejected. 

It’s funny. Rejections were actually easier to cope with when I had fewer “medals” on me. I was rejected by many colleges because my grades were crap. I applied to and was rejected by Nike 5 times, the NBA 2 times, and Apple 3 times. I was the last person in my Senior year to get a job offer. I felt totally ok about all these because I knew I was not supposed to be considered. But now, whenever I was not picked, I questioned everything I considered as evidence of my success and worth. 

I have always been afraid of trying to be successful, because I felt once I was successful, everybody would see this new version of me. And this was scary because I would need to maintain this version of me, just to not become a failure. 

That’s why I am always tempted to just stay in the middle. That’s where the comfort is- Not super successful, not at the rock bottom.

Alright, I think I am done with knowing what’s happening to me. I am done investigating this feeling of languishing.

Time to move on and carry on.

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