It’s been so hard to focus. My mind seems to have become even more erratic. I started working on the website for Amuse Academy. Then I watched some YouTube video. Then I began doodling this comic idea I had. Now I am writing this post. These happened in a spam of 15 minutes.
I also feel dread more frequently. I find myself feeling dreadful when I had too many ideas, because I felt like a failure as I have not been able to start any of those ideas. I felt dreadful when there was nothing meaningful to do. I dreaded about the morning workout, the 10am coaching call, the afternoon binge-eating, the dinner, the dog walking.
My mind has been jumpy. My thoughts have been mostly negative. This is a destructive combination. I have not had long periods of calm. I have given up on feeling positive for more than 5 minutes. I just want to be calm and peaceful. Perhaps that’s because I haven’t been meditating as much since we adopted Honey. Perhaps.
The good news is, I am doing better, objectively speaking. I am spending a lot of time with my wife and my kids. I am certain I am being a present parent to my kids. I am engaged in their lives. I am an active participant of their hobbies and struggles. I am a vivid character in their journeys.
My current theory of life is that we are supposed to go through it with others. Specifically, the riddle of the journey of life is untangled by engaging deeply with 3 groups of family members: our parents, spouses, and kids. Think of these as the 3 circles in the Venn diagram of life. The intersection of the circles morphs ceaselessly, and it is this ambiguous and never-ending intersecting where we could glimpse the purpose and meaning of our short existence. Life cannot be fully lived unless when we immerse ourselves in the intersection.
I find solace in thinking through this theory of life, albeit the maddeningly unfocused mind of mine.