48

One thing came true from my post on my 47th birthday: I am back in the corporate world this year. All the rest didn’t happen. In fact, I regressed in achieving most of those goals. I have not played my violin since I started working again. My workout routine has remained the same and hasn’t progressed. We did go on a long trip to Italy, but that was the only long trip we took.

Mom’s health has deteriorated. I struggled to maintain my composure throughout this ordeal. I don’t like how I feel about taking care of her. I guess this is something we all have to go through.

Jing is still a baby wrapped in teenagers’ clothes. She is both mature and childish. She is brave yet timid. She is artistic but lazy. She is an amazing person.

Chai is more self-aware than most boys. He behaves like a normal, clueless boy most of the time, but every now and then he shows us his observations and awareness. He is still unathletic and timid. He is curious and has an amazing memory. He is also an amazing person.

As I get older, I am becoming more appreciative of Nor. I am very humbled that she chose to stick around and endured me. She has been the bedrock of my existence. She forgave me and tried her best to learn how to deal with me. She cooked when the situation required it. She took care of everyone in London like a pro. She is still running a school that she created. She is the most amazing person in my universe.

As for Mom, it is a reality check to see her age. Her strong will and mind served her well but are now making things difficult. Her body and mind are slowly evading her. She has gone through so much in life, and yet there is still more to go. During the church service this past Sunday, I wondered what I would ask her God to give her. Not health, not healing, but please help her find peace and equanimity. Throughout the surgeries and the entire journey, I have come to realize that she has more scars than I knew. She is more paranoid than I expected, and there are things she has not found peace with. I guess this is normal, given what she has gone through. I often find myself blaming her God, which is not a helpful attitude. I suppose it is just normal, though heartbreaking, given what she has endured. True acceptance is hard, and I suppose it is especially difficult when her mind is so strong and stubborn. If she weren’t so strong-minded and stubborn, she wouldn’t have managed to raise us and take care of her life, given what she has faced.

Next year, we will be transitioning to the next chapter of our lives. Jing will be in her final year at school while Chai will be starting his first year. Sharon will have a lot to navigate and figure out. As for me, I will continue to try to find my balance, learn to be equanimous, and appreciate and accept what life has bestowed upon us. Should I stay with my current company? (yes it will look good on my resume and will help me find a job) What will happen to Mom? What’s going to happen to the school? I guess in the grand scheme of things, everything is going to be okay. After all, nothing really matters. 沒關係，沒關係。

Seriously, 沒關係。