On The Edge

It’s interesting.

I think one of the ways things work here is everybody needs to be on the edge. You can’t know for sure how things will turn out. You can’t know what good or bad looks like. You can’t be too sure. You have to keep trying, keep guessing, and always be unsure.

I think that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It is good to always be open minded, to remain humble, and to be curious. At the same time, this could be a terrible way of existence, if this uncertainty is fuelled by fear.

I have experienced it myself. I was accused of not being smart and doing things for my own good. I have been in many situations where discussions were not allowed when accusations were made. I have been in situations where I was ignored. Many of what I have experienced reminded me of how narcissists treat others- Sense of Entitlement, Manipulative Behavior, Need for Admiration and need for sense of control, Lack of Empathy, Arrogance. The need for others to be obedient to their wishes and that the rules don’t apply to them are particular evident.

I am feeling it more now. Things were good for a while, but now I understand those feelings were part of the manipulation. I was on good terms with him, and then I am made to feel uncertain about it again. I think I am falling into the trap of feeling the need for his trust and approval. At the end of the day, the reality is I am not in control of understanding the rules and measurements.

I have not figured out how to navigate this yet. Sometimes I try to remember that at the end of the day the most important thing is to get things done and move the team and the company forward. However, I need his support to achieve these goals, and I think this dynamic will forever trap me into his sphere of control and manipulation.

Anyway, we will see how it goes. For me, the why I am sticking around is clear, and for my own sanity, I need to remind myself of the why often.