This will be the fourth time I attempt to quit smoking.
The first time I quit was when I was with one of my ex-girlfriends. I managed to stop for about three weeks but picked it back up after we had a fight.
The second time was with another ex-girlfriend. I stopped for maybe a week. Honestly, I wouldn’t even call that “quitting.” It felt more like showing off. When nobody seemed to care, I started smoking again.
The third time, a big one, was after Nor and J came back into my life. It was a January morning, and I had a pivotal realization about the absurd reason I started smoking in the first place. I began smoking after Rita dumped me. I wanted to appear pathetic, to elicit pity from her and others. That was it.
That morning, standing next to a trash can near Festival Walk, it hit me: I didn’t need that pity anymore. Maybe it was because my life was slowly recovering. Maybe I was feeling more confident. Or maybe I had simply accepted how ridiculous my reason was. Whatever it was, I stopped smoking right then and there. That particular pause was surprisingly easy. I had a mindset shift–no cravings, no struggle. It felt powerful, swift, and transformative. I was genuinely happy.
Then, I started again. It was after C was born and I moved back to working in the office, around 2018 or 2019. Having a second child brought everything back. I was a mess, losing my mind, and ended up needing pills to cope. Smoking felt like my release. I even had CP to smoke with.
I tried all kinds of tricks to hide the smell. Eventually, I switched to vaping in late 2022, thanks to Larry’s introduction. Vaping felt like an upgrade: no lingering smell, no dirty ashtrays, and less noticeable effects on my lungs.
But vaping came with its own problems. First, I had no idea what I was actually inhaling. Nobody did. I was buying vapes and oils from a dodgy WhatsApp contact, likely sourcing products made in China. Second, the devices were unreliable. They kept breaking, and every time they did, I would scramble to find a replacement.
One day, I decided enough was enough. I stopped cold turkey. The withdrawal, though, was brutal. I have been stable for a few years, but this time, I completely lost control. All my demons came rushing back and lost my temper completely. I gave in, ordered another vape, and peace was restored–for a while.
Then, less than a month later, the vape broke again. We had another fight, and I let myself lose it. It was terrible. I felt awful for Nor and the kids. Jing even had to see Winnie because of those two back-to-back meltdowns.
Where Am I Now?
I haven’t smoked or vaped for about two weeks. I’ve been reading The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. It’s been helpful, especially in framing the mindset shift needed to break free from nicotine. The book also made me realize how much worse vaping was compared to smoking. Raymond pointed this out when we hung out in Seoul, and it struck me how the messenger matters.
The book convinced me that vaping oils likely contained massive doses of nicotine, which explains why withdrawal felt so much harder. It also emphasized a truth I’ve been grappling with: nicotine didn’t give me peace. It redefined my baseline for “no peace,” creating a cycle of craving and anxiety. Each hit didn’t calm me–it just brought me closer to the state I was in before I ever started smoking. Smoking didn’t solve my anxiety; it compounded it.
Despite all this, I’m hesitant. The book encourages readers to smoke their final cigarette at a specific point in the process. I’ve paused reading because I’m afraid. I still associate smoking with peace. I still fear failing again. And I can’t shake the thought that stopping smoking before caused me to spiral into needing pills. But deep down, I know the truth: nicotine didn’t calm me–it enslaved me.
The Turning Point
So, what’s holding me back? Why am I afraid to commit?
I decided to share this draft with ChatGPT and asked it to coach me. It gave me a cliché, but somehow, it was exactly what I needed to hear. It suggested adopting a mantra. I’ve never believed in mantras, but maybe because I had shared so much with it, it picked one that resonated:
“I’m not starting from scratch; I’m building on what I’ve already learned.”
That was it. That was the push I needed.
I am ready. I will quit quitting. I will never let nicotine enslave me again. There’s no point in continuing this objectively stupid shit.
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