Yesterday at the gym I had a sudden realisation. To be more precise, it was more like a sudden acceptance.
I have been a lot more involved in the school. I don’t think I decided this very intentionally. Nor did nor and I talked about this. It was just something that kind of happened after Cherry and I talked. I am going to try to help as much as I can to ease the transition for Sharon.
After spending about 10 hours in the school, I realized there’s a lot to do and also the situation is challenging. Surprisingly, I wasn’t very bothered. Somehow, I felt quite calm about it.
Then this past Wednesday, I took my Mom to see Jing’s Wizard of Oz performance. Mom was in a particularly good state that day. She was sharp and was not distracted by her own suffering. She had the mental space to listen to me and to think for us. It was beautiful. She was very supportive and came up with many interesting ideas. She even managed to share her own entrepreneurship stories that I have never heard before! Her availability is only going to decrease as time passes, so I think this glimpse of the kind of support she has always offered was a stark reminder of how lucky we were.
Even though I could often rationally consider different perspectives, itis rare for me to wholeheartedly believe in or embrace a perspective. Hence it was special that I FELT convinced by some of my own conclusions. So yesterday, for some reason, maybe it was the caffeine, maybe it was the star alignments, everything clicked. And by “clicked” I mean I believed the way I could look at the situation wholeheartedly. I realized the three fundamental truths at the exact same time:
- It is my purpose is to serve my wife’s school
- Mom is the only truly unconditional yet quickly fleeting support
- Life is unequivocally meaningful with these pursuits
I tried to understand what’s different. Perhaps my stint at CASETiFY gave me a final reassurance of my abilities in leading and managing people. My year at CAESTiFY also clarified for me the critical importance of objective and subjective purpose in my work.
Last time when I participated in the school, I yearned to be recognised by Sharon. We fought so much we almost lost our marriage. I was bitter about the fact that I needed to change to accommodate her. I felt I was not valued (because she said so too). This time felt different. I no longer felt I needed her recognition. I knew what I could bring to any team, thanks to my experience at CASETiFY.
Another thing that I think is helping is Cherry and Flora. Having them on board really gave me confidence to have people who seem to share the same beliefs.
Lastly, I feel Sharon is more receptive to my participation. I don’t know if it is just my own view of looking at this or if it’s indeed a change in her attitude towards me. Either way, it seems to be working.
Finally, I need to come back to this often, especially when I know I am going to feel lost and discouraged again soon. I want to be able to retain this feeling, this feeling of certainty, confidence, and peace. Sometimes I get emotional thinking about how I feel about where I am now. It is both beautiful and very strange, and I am forever grateful this realisation happened.
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