What I Think About When I Eat An Apple

I sometimes eat an apple as a snack in the afternoon.

Every time I am at the supermarket, I want a big Envy apple. But then I also know all I need is a big red apple. I don’t need the Envy apple. A big red apple would suffice. I know this because I have done this so many times: I want an Envy, but I resist and eat a big red instead, and then I no longer want the Envy. This desire for the bigger, sweeter Envy always comes up, and I need to wrestle with it every time.

The same is true for drinks. Usually on Saturday mornings, after I drop my kids off at swimming, I get a drink. The drink I want is a soy milk matcha latte. The drink I always end up getting is an Americano. I want a matcha latte, but I resist and get an Americano, and then I no longer want the matcha latte. This desire for the latte always comes up, and I need to wrestle with it every time.

I guess this happens to everyone. I don’t think having a latte or an Envy apple will hurt me. I just know I don’t really need it. I know the satisfaction will be the same, and that both the desire and the satisfaction are fleeting. Sometimes I dislike the need to deal with these desires, and sometimes I remember that I’m inflicting more pain on myself by judging the need to deal with desires. And then I find myself judging myself for judging myself.

And sometimes, I get a laugh out of all this. And usually when this happens, I’m usually done with my apple or Americano.