After A Week Of Reflection

Last week the school organized a biography session for everyone to go through the biography of the school. It was a very valuable experience for the school and for those who participated. I also had many reflections and realizations. I have gained clarity.

Sometimes I think I give myself too much credit for my successes. I often tell myself that I have this ability to imagine what might happen and then somehow make it happen.

I remember when I was leading the South team at Nike, I believed I had all these visions of whom I could bring into the team and how the moves would unfold, how an event or a pitch might go, etc.. I convinced myself everything that happened was part of my plans.

Later, at Festival Walk, I did the same thing again. I told myself that everything that happened there, from the team I built to the results we achieved to the culture we shaped, was all part of what I had envisioned. I liked the idea that I had foresight, that I could somehow see what the future might look like and then bring it into being.

Now, something similar is happening again. I believed what has happened in the last 9 months was all part of my plan, especially after what unfold this week during the biography session. But I think I’m once again giving myself too much credit.

When I decided to come back to help the school, it wasn’t because of a grand plan. I did it partly because I had nowhere else to go. I was about to leave Casetify and was dreading the empty days ahead without work. Then C reached out and asked me to take a look at what was going on. She gave me a quick snapshot, and I could see things were getting messy. I could see how much nor was shouldering everything. I felt I should come back and help. I looked at the numbers with G and the situation was dire.

I also felt the need to come back because of the former colleagues of mine that had joined the school. I felt personally responsible. They were there partly because of me. I didn’t want them to be in a place that was falling apart. I also felt a bit ashamed of the quality of something I am associated with.

So I returned and started fixing things. I reorganized the storage rooms, cleared the fire escape, set up systems to track things, sat in meetings, helped run events, ramped up marketing, and eventually helped pull together a very enjoyable fundraising concert. I also put in quite a bit of money just to keep the school afloat.

But throughout these months, I always felt torn. While I found meaning in working in the school, I disliked it, because there were too many conflicts that I didn’t want to deal with. But for the school, for my own reputation, for nor, for my wallet, I had to adapt and adjust and endure these conflicts and struggles. I had to make sure things work, regardless of how I believed they should be done. I felt there were many things I felt I had to swallow, ignore, compromise. If I have a different personality, I would accept that I had to “sacrifice.” But no, I don’t believe I sacrificed. I just didn’t have things my way and wasn’t happy about that. 🤷🏻‍♂️

But after this recent four-day biography session, I suddenly realized what I was really doing. I was there while T was figuring things out. Now that T has found her way back and is once again contributing, it’s time for me to move on.

Then, immediately upon this realization, I wanted to grandiose everything. I came up with a story to justify everything I’ve done these past six months: that I came back just to hold things together and created space and time for T to get ready. I want to believe that was my plan all along, but it wasn’t.

I came back because I had no job, because things were falling apart, because the toll on nor and my wallet was big. I didn’t come back with a grand and glorious plan for T to return.

Still, maybe this is destiny. Maybe this was the plan after all, just not one I consciously made. Maybe the realization now is the real purpose: to understand why I was there, and more importantly, what comes next for me, even though it wasn’t what I did intentionally.

And whether it was planned or not, I think it’s right that now, with T back and steady, I step out. I’m at peace with that. I do feel a bit lost, and I wish there were a way for me to stay involved without all the challenges. They’re frustrating and, frankly, unhealthy. But I also know, deep down, this is their school. It’s not mine.

One more thing I need to be honest with myself is I have nothing to do with T’s reflection and turn around. I want to be the person that made her turn around. There is a version of this story in my head. I think my tendency to self glorify wants me to believe that I help trigger her to return to form. But I don’t think I play that much of a role. I should be satisfied with the role I played, which was to keep the school afloat, even though my actions weren’t part of a grand plan that I had. I should be happy with that because that is enough.

So this is where I am today: it’s time for me to step back and let them run the school. I’ll always be ready to step in again if I’m needed. For now, what matters most is figuring out what’s next. Just thinking about that makes me anxious, but maybe that’s exactly what I need right now.