The Answer, So Far, At 50

I don’t believe in any earthly religion, because they all tend to yearn for premature certainty. I also find it very difficult to accept that there are personal gods who have our individual best interests in mind, and that when things don’t appear to act in our best interest, we revert back to some grand, unquestionably benevolent plan that only God understands. I also know I don’t know enough to conclude there is no “God.” I just don’t think the versions of God we have described on this planet exist. I am not ready (nor does it make sense) to replace religious certainty with atheist certainty.

What I find most centering is the innate sense of good that I often get to glimpse and feel during meditation. I know, deep inside myself, what good is. The clearer my mind is, the less confused or triggered I am, the more clearly this sense of good reveals itself. I tend to believe this is universal, but I can’t verify it, but this feeling of universality sometimes makes me wonder if this could be a version of God.

The closest explanation for this sense of goodness is something like the golden rule. It’s such a true and simple concept that most of us understand both intellectually and emotionally. But to me, the golden rule makes me want to question why it feels this true, and that investigation leads to empathy for others. The harm I don’t want done to myself applies to harm done to others. And that leads to a stronger desire not just to passively avoid harming others, but to actively do good for them. The fuller version of doing good becomes compassion, and reducing suffering. This sounds way too grandiose. So I will stick to do good.

So to me, the most important thing is to try to have a clear mind, to see clearly, and then to do good. And specifically for me, I also need to be okay with the gap between trying to do good and not always being able to. As Paul Kalanithi wrote, “you can’t ever reach perfection, but you can believe in an asymptote toward which you are ceaselessly striving.” I have to be okay with living in that gap between perfect doing and striving. So: forgive the gap.