Feeling Old

I keep feeling old.

Old because I am indeed old. At 48, I am one of the oldest here at the company.

Old because the last time I started a new job was 11 years ago. I was 36. This time I am 47.

Old because I am no longer as energized in most things. I am no longer as eager in most things. I just don’t give a fuck most of the time.

Old because I am disconnected from the trends, the technologies, the topics the team talked about.

Old because I want to be with my family. I am more aware of every minute that I lose from not being with my kids and my wife and my mom.

Old because I don’t want to try as hard. I don’t want to put in the hours. Or maybe I just don’t have the drive. Or maybe it is back to desire- I just don’t have the same desire to prove anything.

Old because I don’t want to build and nurture new relationships. Because I know most relationships at work are fleeting.

Old because as a result of the above, I don’t care about how I look, how I am perceived, how this might turn out. Sometimes, I don’t even care about the people.

Maybe that’s a good thing. Most of the time I feel old, and every now and then I feel liberated. I feel I can just be myself and see how it goes. I am so old this doesn’t really matter anymore. I am so old because what’s important is already so clear. Nothing is new because nothing needs to be new. I know what’s important, what I care about, and who I am. It really doesn’t matter if this doesn’t work out. Sure, it will feel good if this works out, but it also doesn’t matter.

But too often, I still feel unsure. Why am I doing this? Why does this matter? Money? To have a job?

What matters is what I think is useful for the team, what’s possible for them. I do want to feel a bit more invested in the relationships, because I think that’s required to make things work.