How do I want to feel in 2019?


“Making 2018 Meaningful”: Part 3: Stepping into 2019

Last year, I wanted to focus on three things:

(1) Feeling more “in the middle”
(2) Feeling “the kind of happiness from looking at anything Nintendo in Japanese brings me.”
(3) Feeling more “useful more consistently”

With mixed results, perhaps indicators of progress, I nudged forward, gingerly.

The quest to be more in the middle, definitely made me more aware of when I was not in the middle, and the swings were often more violent, or at least they felt that way. I stumbled upon way too many meditation apps, podcast bros, and the allure of zen.

Strangely, the happiness that came with anything Nintendo, disappeared, the moment I wanted to go after it. Damn you, Zen. Impermanence is an asshole.

As for the need to feel useful, it has become perhaps the most disturbingly persistent whisper during this mid life half life whatever crisis. I again stumbled upon writings, podcasts and more writings that reminded me I am … scared. The lack of action combined with the never ending chase of the aura of possibilities, took me further away from the middle more often than I enjoyed.

In 2019, these are things I want to go after. If there was one thing I learned from 2018, it’s my inability to act. Therefore, 2019 will be a year of 3 actions:

(1) Do it. 
(2) Just do it.
(3) Do it. Just do it.

Do it. Just do it.

It’s a simple concept that I must do more often. I know my fears more clearly now. It’s time to tell myself, “Just do it, dumbass.” It’s almost pointless to try and understand why they are in me. I mean, it’s either some daddy issues or some form of human condition that we all endure. Everyone is going through something. So deal with it, and start doing something about it.

The positive news is, I have gained much better clarity as to what I need to do. For every fear, or self doubt, I now know what I need to do. On good days, I could even remember why I should do what I was supposed to do. Therefore it’s just a matter of … being a professional, and commit to doing something.

😓

The most significant realization in 2018, has to be this simple choice that I am allowed to make. Am I going to let the narrative of myself be the same, or be different? The answer is so straight forward, yet it’s almost as if I am waiting for someone else do change it for me. Perhaps, as a way to remind myself, this is one passage from Podcast Bro numero uno, Tim Ferriss, when he was talking to Petter Attia. This passage, was Tim’s narrative of the life he used to have. Now, it’s my turn.

I don’t want to be happy. Because if I am happy, they will not care about me, love me. Because if I am not suffering, they will not pay attention. I enjoy feeling sad, unhappy, injured, because that makes me worthy of care and love. I manufacture suffering, and I allow myself to lose my shit, because, only during those moments, that I think I feel care and attention. When I make them cry, or feel pain and sadness, or when I see the look of concern and sadness in them, I know they are thinking of me. I only do this to them, my most beloved people, because I yearn for their love the most. Or, I never feel they love me.

The frame is clear, now just change it.

🌻

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