I have been battling with my mind for a few years now. I tried talk therapy, CBT, medication, meditation, exercising, morning routines, dusk routines, pre-sleep shut down routines, mushroom elixir, you name it. What I have learned is some of these might work for some of the time. Hence it is important that I accept this reality – nothing will likely stick, all hell will break loose again, and this is a fact of an ageing brain.
Another thing I need to embrace is to notice the positives from this journey. One of them is how the side effects of the medications made me more “mindful.”
Recently, we had to change the combination of drugs I was taking because I struggled to contain novel manifestations of my condition. The side effects of the new drugs were stronger. They included weight gain, sleepiness, and drowsiness. Throughout the day I would yawn more than I breathed, and sometimes I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes open. Sometimes I needed to nap immediately. Other times, I was just tired/drowsy, and the only thing that would help was to close my eyes and rest.
I couldn’t do much during these rests. I wouldn’t be able to sleep nor to think. What I ended up doing was to stare at whatever that came to my mind. It was as if my brain was completely exhausted, and it was sitting motionlessly on a park bench, noticing every leave, cloud, bee, child laughter, thought, feeling, in and around me.
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This is essentially a “open-awareness” meditation practice.
Since the side effects kicked in often and randomly, I have been thrown into this state more. I am struggling because I have lost control of my productivity. Yet every now and then, I would be able to get a glimpse of the nothingness and stillness that apparently only enlightenment and or psychedelics could guide us to.
I am going to enjoy this while this lasts. Who knows what the brain will take me next.
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