How Do I Want to Feel in 2021?

In 2020, I wanted to be in the moment more. Turns out that was the appropriate goal. There were many changes and uncertainties in 2020, from COVID to the future of our school to my mental health to my work. I am glad I chose to that goal. It was exactly how I needed to feel.

As I am wrapping up all the 2020 reflections, it is time to decide how I should feel in 2021. Looking back, the most dominant feeling in 2020 were:
“We are fucked. So try and enjoy the ride.”

No matter where I looked, how I looked, it seemed inevitable that we human beings would drag ourselves into chaos and destruction. I think that’s because our instincts are trippy and self-preserving, there are too many of us, and as a result, the scale of the randomness and impact of our actions would always lead to chaos and destruction. The anecdote, wisdom, by design, is hard to come by. We stand no chance to overcoming this ending.


With that, in 2021, I want to feel I am being responsible more often.

What are my responsibilities? I have a few life visions/personal philosophies:

  • Be useful, do good work. Becoming clearer, “Oh wow,”
  • Live now, do good; crave nothing, love everything
  • Pay attention and do good (from Sam Harris)

I am annoyed that I can’t seem to settle with one. I love “appropriate response,” but I want to sound more original. -_- I also feel I need to be reminded to jump in and engage. I need to remember to be content and to enjoy the ride.

I don’t understand what’s missing. I don’t know why I am not satisfied. Perhaps I am working toward my vision? Wasn’t the goal of “being in the moment more” an attempt to work on “live now,” to “pay attention?”

Perhaps this desire to feel I am being responsible is another way of saying “be useful” and “do good?”

I need to try to bridge.
I need to get better at being kind. I don’t think I know what that means in most situations.
I need to imagine myself role modelling “being content,” which means I need to work on genuinely slurping the noodles, enjoying the sandwich, more often, under more circumstances.

Ok. I think I am happy with this. 🍜

How Do I Want to Feel in 2020?
How Do I Want to Feel in 2019?
How Do I Want to Feel in 2018?