Anything that generates a lot of internal resistance is probably something we should pay the utmost attention to.
Understanding Communist China is one of those tantalizing things.
On one hand, the naive part of me wants China to be good. This is not because I am Chinese, it is because we all are stuck on the same planet, sharing the same oceans, wrestling with the same emotions.
On the other hand, I am frustrated with what CCP has done to us, and I feel immense injustice whenever I hear about the goodness and progress CCP has brought to China and the world.
Yet, the reality is more likely somewhere in between- That CCP has done good and bad, and that this is just a tiny blip of the journey of humanity. It is also clear to me that the best use of my brain is to take the most productive position of the circumstances- to understand and observe it unemotionally, and discern as much learning from it as possible.
But in order to study China objectively, I have to fight the strong yearning for justice and the deep rooted hatred. I don’t want to give myself any chance to feel positively about the party. I feel guilty not hating it wholeheartedly. I feel I would be betraying myself if I attempt to find goodness in the party. I feel inconsistent and unprincipled to not conclude that CCP is bad.
The deepest fear I have is that I might hate the CCP less. I am afraid of my own nationalistic inklings. I don’t want to disagree with my loved ones. I have little faith in my ability to not be brainwashed. I am not confident that I am not gullible.
Because of the intensity of these emotional struggles this topic of CCP in me, I am going to pay attention to it. I will start reading more about communist China. I will start with this book. Wish me luck.
The Chinese Communist Party: A Century in Ten Lives Kindle Edition