I think I have it wrong.
Instead of trying to find ways to get me out of ruts, I need to do more of things that I think will help me fall into ruts less frequently.
My wife was trying to figure out what triggered the latest episode of me being in meh-mode. She wondered if it was the extra tasks- trying to help in-laws sell the Tesla, school stuff. I also wondered – post Kyoto trip? School stuff running out of steam?
If I am looking at this clearly, I have been in a strange period of funk. I have been doom-scrolling more. I have eaten more uncontrollably. I have read less. I just didn’t want to read. I just felt bored and pointless. I knew this could happen when I decided to leave CASETiFY. So in a way, I kind of expected all these.
But then, when I finally “officially” fell into a rut, meaning I lost control of how I felt and my anger and impatience became very hard to control, I still felt very deflated that my mind fell back into this sticky hole. Once I was in this deep dark sticky well, it was hard to imagine life outside of this well, that things could be positive and meaningful. Once I was back in this well, it was almost impossible to believe (and feel) that any positive feelings I had when I was outside of this well was real. Rationally, I knew I had true positive and hopeful feelings, but I just could not “feel” how real those were. It’s like what Jervis said, “When you are in the rut, a problem became a irrevocable fact of life. When you are not in a rut, a problem remains just a problem to be solved.”
But is this going to work though? Is life going to be less bad if I focus on doing things that will help keep me out of the rut longer? I have a whole set of habits that I think will help keep me out of that sticky dark well- workouts to make me feel I am not becoming fat and unhealthy, a diet that keep me away from feeling unhealthy and bad, books and podcasts to make me feel I am paying attention to how I can be useful. Maybe it is the social network that I have yet built. I don’t have friends. Is that the missing knight at my round table? Most likely yes, yet so hard to fix.
Oh well. 🙁
I will investigate this further. Why do I find this so hard, so unappealing?
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