Yesterday, we executed a re-org. I let 6 people go. This is the 5th re-org/mass layoff I have been involved in- Accenture in 2001, Cyberware in 2002, Nike “category offense” in 2009, Apple “incident” in 2012. Phew.
Everything started 2 days ago. All of a sudden, it became real. The names I had previously provided were now being seriously considered for termination. I felt both angry and disappointed in myself.
I was angry because when they first asked for the names, we agreed no layoffs would be made yet. I agreed to share names even though I thought the process of performance evaluation was severely flawed. I was disappointed in myself for being so stupid and naive, for not anticipating this outcome.
On the day of the event, I asked myself, “What is my job today?” And gratefully, “A harbinger of dignity” popped up in my consciousness, and a sense of peace immediately cascaded through the pores of my body and soul. I felt centered.
I don’t completely know how I feel about the whole thing. I feel numbed. I feel bad, sad, stupid. I feel like a fraud. I think I am lying. At the same time, I am not depressed. My mood is actually stable. I am relieved too, because on the day of the layoffs, I managed to get them to announce my resignation.
This whole experience has been… interesting. In many ways, I think it’s a failure. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing ill for the brand. But I quickly correct myself, reminding myself that I’ve never been good at predicting outcomes in this situation, nor do I have any solid evidence or experience to bet against their success.
The best thing I can do is leave it alone. I shouldn’t try to make myself feel better by indulging in wishful cursing. Instead, I need to accept that I wasn’t effective in this environment—that I was more fearful and reserved than I wanted to be—and be okay with that.
Still, I hate knowing that I can only succeed in very specific environments. That I didn’t succeed here gnaws at me. My past achievements should be enough to remind me that I’m not completely useless, but I can’t help feeling like a fraud. That said, I’ve faced this imposter syndrome so many times now that I’m starting to laugh it off. “You again? Seriously, bro?”
So, here I am. What an interesting journey.
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